i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Oh god it's open bar.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
