I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
