AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
