I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize