I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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