I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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