Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
