I just cut my nipple shaving
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
