Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
