Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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