I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I touched a dick in church today
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize