I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
