fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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