I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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