I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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