when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
her facebook's as public as her vagina
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Randomize
