My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
