My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize