dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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