I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
