If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
