well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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