I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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