there's paper in my vomit.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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