i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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