My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
me + whiskey = a bad person
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
