Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
