k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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