so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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