Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
