Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
40s are totally the cure
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
