I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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