My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
