you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
