I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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