This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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