Apparently you make a good broom.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
