I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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