Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
