Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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