My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
