Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
