Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
