dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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