You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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