You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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