We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
