so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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