Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
