I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
