I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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