Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
