He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
