Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
