dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I want a musical about memes.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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