I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
3 2 1 whiskey
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
