I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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