I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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