if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
