Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you inspire me to be a worse person
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
