I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize