yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he puts the penis in happiness.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
