Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
