Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize