Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she told me i tasted like america
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
